omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
