Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
