Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
