I'm drive I can fine osifer
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
