People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
