There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
