New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
