if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
