when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
