Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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