I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
