She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
