Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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