my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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