My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
