does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
