Betty ford says i'm here all night
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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