i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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