His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
