she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
