tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I DEMAND FORESKIN
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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