I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
