i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
