Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
