I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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