She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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