When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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