How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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