On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
