Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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