Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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