My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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