There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
this beer tastes like vomit already
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
