Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
