Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
