Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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