I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
