Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
