shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
