We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
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No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
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You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You've changed since you got that strap on
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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