thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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