my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
