I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
