He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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