Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
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You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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