I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
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Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
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I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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