I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
