even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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