Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
