I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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