I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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