It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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