what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
