it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
