It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
