My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
